Is it Sin to Divorce One's Partner?

[Smt. Priyanka asked: Padanamaskaram Swami! I have a question regarding staying married when a couple feels the marriage is already broken. Should the couple stay married for the sake of their children, even though there is no trust, barely any respect towards each other, no healthy means of resolving conflicts and the spouse’s lack of ambition, laziness, inconsistency, lies and broken promises? Sometimes staying in a relation can cause more harm than good to children. Separating from or divorcing one's partner also causes harm to children emotionally. What can a couple do when there is barely any compatibility between them? Is it considered selfishness and a sin in the eyes of God to leave one’s spouse and cause so much disturbance to children for one’s own peace? Will look forward for Your Divine advice. At Your feet. Priyanka.]

Swami replied: O Learned and Devoted Servants of God! One should get married only after perfectly studying and analyzing the qualities of the would-be life-partner. One must inquire about the nature of the person from his or her relatives and friends. Generally, the qualities and attitudes of the person can be easily known before getting married. If some minor deviations from your analysis become known after getting married, one can make some adjustments to ensure the smooth running of one’s married life. Even if the partner has some defects, it is possible to reform the person. A human being is a mixture of both good and bad qualities. Also, these different qualities of any human being are expressed on different occasions and all of them cannot be seen at all times. So, one should keep in mind that all those good and bad qualities will not be seen when one meets a person on a few occasions. Only angels have all good qualities and only demons have all bad qualities. We do not see angels and demons separately on earth because both angels and demons exist among human beings too. It means that some human beings have the nature of angels, some have the nature of demons and the rest have the nature of human beings. Angels need not reform and demons cannot be reformed. Demons do not reform due to their ego and not because they are ignorant. They know that their qualities are bad, but owing their ego, they refuse the change. Animals show bad qualities and they are unable to change their bad qualities because of their solidified ignorance. Hence, God excuses animals, but not demons existing in human form. Angels never err and demons never change, despite recognizing their own bad qualities. A human being is that soul, which errs, but gets reformed. If a human being is unable to change its bad qualities, it is not a human being at all. There cannot be an animal in human form because every human being is able to know its faults. So, we see animals as separate from human beings on earth.

When one goes to a homeopathic doctor, the doctor asks the patient to describe all the symptoms to the minutest detail, so that the doctor can prescribe the exact medicine. Similarly, a detailed account of the qualities and attitudes of the would-be life-partner should be asked before choosing the most suitable life-partner. Later on, if the life-partner behaves differently, one can even question the life-partner before elders. But if one has not made the effort to examine all the qualities of the person before marriage, there is no basis to find fault with the partner after marriage!

Generally, clashes occur in marriages due to ego. Overestimation of oneself and underestimation of others is the inherent ego that expresses itself unconsciously in relationships, resulting in sudden and unexpected quarrels. The husband thinks that he is a lion and that his wife is a female deer! The wife thinks that she is a tigress and that her husband is a male deer! This attitude of mutual superiority and inferiority results in frequent misunderstandings. Changing behaviour is more important than changing one’s life-partner. During the wedding, the couple promises before God that they will live together supporting each other. They promise that they will not pursue the four human goals (puruṣārthas) without each other. The four human goals are (1) Worshipping God and performing righteous worldly actions (dharma), (2) Earning money and managing finances (artha), (3) Engaging in sex (kāma) to produce children and (4) Making efforts to attain salvation (mokṣa).

If the couple quarrels, it spoils the children. Generally, children are the binding force that keeps the parents together and forces the parents to accommodate each other. If both partners strongly wish to separate, it should only be done after a long and thorough discussion in the presence of their parents and other elders. Even courts delay the judgment in divorce cases giving the couple a year to undergo at least three counsellings in the hope of uniting the couple. Destroying anything is very easy, but it is utter foolishness! Constructing anything is very difficult and time-consuming. Mīrā separated from her husband and Rāmānuja separated from His wife. But they did so for the sake of God because their respective partners were opposing them in their spiritual path. This is not a sin because the bond with God is the highest. It is holier than any worldly bond. Except for this one case, other worldly reasons for separating from or divorcing from your life-partner is not justified.

In matters of problems in marriages, prevention is always better than cure. A thorough and deep study of the qualities of the would-be life-partner should be done in written form before getting married or at least during the marriage. There is no point in finding faults after marriage. There is no use catching leaves after burning one’s hands or crying over spilt milk. The ego, which is generally the cause of quarrels, can be eradicated through spiritual knowledge and devotion to God.

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| Shri Dattaswami | Is it Sin to Divorce One's Partner? | Kaama Miira Ramanuja Purusharthaas

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