What should children do when parents quarrel bitterly?

[Kum. Thalla Bhanu asked: Padanamaskaram Swami, I’m very grateful to receive Your divine knowledge. Swami, I have witnessed many instances of parental fights and abusive language at home from childhood. I do not know what I should do in that situation. I feel bitter and start to reject one of them. I tend to show my anger on them in their subsequent interactions with me. I have learnt that whatever we go through in life, is because of our own karma. I also appreciate the fact that I am less attached to my home and my love and faith towards God has increased because of such an atmosphere at home. I want to know what I should do when my parents are quarreling and how to stop the bitter impression the quarrels leave on my behavior in my subsequent interactions with them. I seek Your help in the matter.]

Swami replied: O Learned and Devoted Servants of God! Anger in the mind is expressed either in words as abuses or expressed in actions as physical fights. The expression of mental anger in words is safer than expressing it in the form of physical assault. Anger expressed in words wounds the mind, whereas anger expressed in actions wounds both the mind and the body. The punishments in hell for these expressions of anger will also be of the same nature. If you hurt somebody through verbal abuses, you will be punished in hell through more severe verbal abuses. If you hurt somebody by physically assaulting the person, you will be punished through physical means. If you commit a sin in mind, you will be hurt in your mind secretly, without the use of words or actions. Thinking of killing somebody, threatening to kill the person and actually killing the person are the three types of sins done through mind, words and actions respectively. The punishment for each type of sin is also of the same nature.

Recently, medical experts have found that anger hidden in the mind damages the heart, whereas, if the anger is expressed in words, it keeps the heart in good health! When someone is abusing you, you should not pay attention to the meaning of the abusive words. The abuses just indicate the person’s anger. So, it is best to ignore the meaning of the words. The angry father scolds his own son saying “You, son of donkey!” If you analyse the meaning of the statement, the father actually ended up scolding himself! People expresses their anger in different words and one should not take the meaning of the words too seriously.

Once, Goddess Sarasvatī, the deity of knowledge, said that Daṇḍi is a poet and that Bhavabhūti is a scholar (Kavir Daṇdiḥ Kavir Daṇdiḥ, Bhavabhūtistu paṇḍitaḥ). Poet Kālidāsa, in a fit of anger, asked Goddess Sarasvatī “Then, who am I? O prostitute! (Ko’ham raṇḍe!)”. Then, the goddess calmly replied to Kālidāsa that he and She were one and the same (Tvamevāhaṃ tvamevāhaṃ na saṃśayaḥ). It meant that that Kālidāsa was an incarnation of Goddess Sarasvatī Herself! The goddess did not get angry with Kālidāsa for his abusive words and She did not burn him to ashes. She recognized the abusive words of Kālidāsa to be just an expression of his anger because he was upset. In the worship of Goddess Śakti, there is an important school, called Vāmācāra (Samaya Mata) in which devotees worship the Divine Mother by scolding Her and the Divine Mother quickly sanctions the boons desired by them! We find elders scolding their children, but that scolding is only an expression of their love for their children. It is said that when love becomes exceedingly intense, the language loses respect (Premātiśaye nīca sambodhanam). Talking harshly and doing good is the speciality of great people. Talking sweetly and harming is the speciality of cheats. Hence, do not come to hasty conclusions without analysing the background. Anger in the mind, in words and in actions is certainly a sin, if the anger is towards a good person. Anger expressed to a bad person is not just not bad, but is actually good. It is meritorious.

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| Shri Datta Swami | What should children do when parents quarrel bitterly? | Sarasvati Saraswati Bhavabhuuti Kalidasa Kaalidaasa Dandi Kavir Dandih Kavir Dandih Bhavabuutistu panditah koham rande Tvamevaaham Tvamevaaham na samshayah samaya mata Premaatishaye niicha sambodhanam Shakti

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